August 8, 2006

Today is the two year anniversary on my dad's suicide attempt. I debated on whether or not to write anything about this. It was such a real and raw time in my life that I would like to bury forever, but every year on this day I'm reminded of where we were and how far we have come.

I don't know why it happened. I don't know why he lived. I don't know how you take a gun point it to your head and pull the trigger and not die. But he didn't die. He lived. God didn't want to take my dad's life that day.

Jeremiah 29:11 says “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." My hopes and dreams were shattered on that day August 8, 2006, but a new hope and future were brought to the surface. "Where there is death, there shall life be as well." I can't explain what it feels like to see a parent battle to live knowing that he had done this to himself. It's not like being in the hospital wanting your family member to get better so that everything can go back to "normal". I knew my life would never be "normal" again. I knew if he lived or if he died my life would never be the same. I was right. I was suffering for months after all this happened. It was a quiet suffer. My pain grew even more after my parents separation then divorce happened, but the one thing I gained from all of this is this:

"God offers pain relief if we ask for it. It is His GRACE that gives us the comfort of knowing He will never leave us to battle the pain alone. It is His GRACE that gives us peace during the storm. It is His GRACE that allows us to get through the pain, and then grow from it."

I grew from it. I could of easily crumbled, and I really wanted to at times, but I learned that through the tears laughter occurs. My relationships with people are better now. My mom and I are as close as we have ever been. My brother is like my right hand man. After all this God blessed me with a partner in life that could understand my pain and let me cry on his shoulder whenever I need to. My relationship with my dad has grown too. I admire him for the person he's become and how far he's come. I love him for the person he is and not for what he did. I'm healed knowing that God has forgiven him and I find peace within myself knowing that God's grace has been shed upon him. Therefore, I'm able to forgive him.

August 8, 2006 was the worst day of my life. I was so angry for what he had done but so grateful that God let him live. It’s a miracle he lived. He did live though. It was so hard going through all that but he lived. Through this I'm reminded daily of God's love for his children and His enabling power to heal the broken.