I realize this is the longest blog in history, but I wanted to document everything that happened.
I had a plan going into labor. I was not going to be induced, I wanted to labor naturally as long as possible and then get an epidural, and have my baby vaginally like God intended. I was really opposed to having a c-section and wanted to do everything I could not to have one. Well the week Hannah was "due" to arrive I was so tired of being pregnant. My body hurt all over and I was so emotionally broken that I just needed her out! So when my Dr. L told me I was dilated to a 3cm and I could be induced all that went out the window.
We arrived midday Wednesday, March 23rd to the hospital to have our baby. I got my gown on and set up with an IV and then my awesome nurse, M., started my Pitocin. At first the contractions were very tolerable. I was cruising through labor, dilating about a cm an hour. Then my doctor came in to break my water. I thought at this point I could labor a little longer without the epidural so I decided to hold off on getting it. Well the contractions came really intensely after my water broke and I wanted the epidural quickly. In hindsight I wish I had listened to my nurse and got the epidural before my water was broken. This is one of my regrets that I wish I could change but I can't.
The anesthesiologist came in and asked me if I was ready for my epidural which I quickly responded,"yes!!!" They sat me up and bed and had me get in position. Two anesthesiologists tried to get the epidural in, but had no luck. Turns out that I have some kind of weird anatomy that allowed them to get the needle into my spine, but every time they would go in with the catheter an electrical current was sent shooting down my left side. They tried to get it in for about an hour and the another attending anesthesiologist came in to try her hand at it. After several more attempts and failures she decided to relieve me of my pain and anxiety and give me a spinal injection instead. That instantly took my pain away and I could relax again. Dr. S. told me that the spinal would wear off in about 2 hours and to let the nurses know so I could have another one when it did. Then she left. That was the pivotal moment that could have changed the outcome of what was to come.
The Pitocin was still running through me and I was able to dilate to a 7cm while feeling comforted under the relief of the spinal injection. After about two hours I began to feel the pain of the contractions again. We let the nursing staff know that I wanted my second spinal injection. It took awhile for someone to come speak to us from anesthesiology department, but finally a resident was in the room telling me that the physicians that had administered the spinal had gone off call and a new anesthesiologist was now overseeing my case. It was in his opinion that unless I was dilated to an 8 or a 9cm then I couldn't receive a second spinal.
After I was told I could not receive the second spinal I was determined to progress as fast as possible. The contractions were getting stronger, closer together, and more painful by the hour. And after about 4 hours of natural labor I had had enough. They checked me and it was determined I was at 8cm so I could receive the second spinal. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, a fourth anesthesiologist came into my room to deliver some devastating news. It was in her expert opinion and the opinion of her boss, that the risks of doing a second spinal were too great and I couldn't receive that kind of pain relief. My only option at that point was to let her try her hand at administering the epidural. At this point of labor the Pitocin had been turned off and my body was laboring on it's own. I was having severely painful contractions every 2 to 3 minutes so the thought of another attempt of an epidural seemed horrifying, but I was desperate to get the relief. I had already been stuck 11 times or more but we let her try anyway.
Everyone had high hopes that this would be the attempt that would succeed. Every time the needle would be put in they would tell me not to move. A contraction would start and it felt like knife being stabbed into my back. I don't know how I stayed still. After eight to ten more attempts and failures it was decided that since I had not progressed far enough to push that we needed to have an emergency c-section. I was devastated, but in so much pain and finding it so hard to breathe that I didn't have time to think of anything else. All I wanted was for them to get my baby out.
I was prepped for surgery and endured another 45 minutes or so of excruciating pain before being put under general anesthesia for the surgery. Of course since it was an emergency c-section Brandon could not be present for the birth. So neither one of us saw her being born.
A NICU team was called to the OR just in case Hannah would have problems breathing after birth. This was a huge fear of mine before going under because I was told that it was a possibility she would need assistance after birth because of the general anesthesia. All I remember before she was born is crying out her name and praying that she would be okay and that I would live to see her soon. The pain was so unbearable that I thought I was going to die. When I came out of the anesthesia I wasn't allowed to have any strong medication to relieve the pain right away. So I felt everything. I was then rolled back into our labor and delivery suite where my family and new baby were waiting for me.
Hannah did great and had no complications that warranted a stay in the NICU. I'm so grateful to God for that. However, it was several hours before I could even muster the strength to hold her. I don't even remember anything about the rest of that night. I just remember it all hitting me two days later.
God was there with me that night and has not left me since. My faith and belief in Him has only grown stronger. He walked me through that night and held my hand. He gave strength to my family who gave me so much love and support through such a difficult time. I suffered from postpartum depression shortly after coming home from the hospital and felt hopeless. I sought medical help and feel so much better now. I will never forget her birth for as long as I live, but I know the pain in my heart will begin to lessen as time moves forward. Life is challenging and unpredictable. Life can hurt and alter you as a person, but trusting in the Lord can give you hope for a better tomorrow. I believe this is true every time I look at my beautiful baby girl.
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